I’m sharing this in the hopes that nobody else ever does such a thing.
Why would they? I hear you ask. Yes, I know. It was stupid.
In an effort to live a fully hydrated existence I’ve been buy two litre bottles of value carbonated water - which you can get for about 20p - and drinking it by the pint, which is actually a rather lovely experience when it’s nice and cold.
In an effort to chill a bottle quickly I stuck it in the freezer. To my dismay after removing it, I realised that about half of it was frozen solid. I unscrewed the lid and found that the neck of the plastic bottle had a giant plug of ice frozen into it.
This prompted me immediately to think something immensely foolish: I shall bite around the top of the bottle and it will dislodge the plug and then I shall be able to pour water around it and into my glass!
Sadly my thought became an action and I placed my mouth around the neck of the bottle ready to bite the ice free.
It was at this point that the full force of the not-yet-frozen carbonated water, held under significant pressure, was released, propelling the ice plug at high speed across my tongue and straight into the roof of my mouth, whilst simultaneously, shooting unknown quantities of itself down my throat and airway.
The ice plug ricocheted back out of my mouth and across the dining room floor.
The noise was profound to say the least – a mighty explosion taking place within my own head and thus heard from both outside and inside of my own body.
At first I didn’t know whether I had just seriously maimed myself. I was choking on the water and spitting blood and my entire mouth cavity felt like it had been the victim of some sort of evil ice grenade.
I checked. My teeth were still there. My lips were not bleeding. Aha, just my tongue and the roof of my mouth lacerated, then.
I spat a bit more blood. Eventually I stopped choking.
What remains these eighteen hours later as I write this is a cut up and painful roof of mouth and tongue and a swollen and painful airway and the realisation that it could have been a lot worse. I am grateful that it wasn’t.
Sometimes things are funny and not funny at the same time. This is one of those things. Please do learn from my monumental silliness: half frozen fizzy water is not a toy.